Sketch 9: Holmes and Away
Yo Holmes
INT. POLICE STATION – BRIEFING ROOM
A Police Chief enters. Three policemen are present. The Chief walks to the front of the room.
Chief: Right…hang on…where’s…
The door suddenly opens and Sherlock Holmes bursts in, sliding to a sudden halt.
Chief: Where the hell have you been, Holmes?
Holmes: A thousand pardons, Inspector, been up all night. Snorting gak.
Chief: Sit down, Holmes. Now, as I was saying…hang on, where’s Watson…has anyone seen Watson?
The officers look around and shake their heads. At that moment the door opens and Watson bumbles in.
Chief: Watson!
Watson: Eh? What’s on the what now, sir?
Chief: Shut up and sit down!
Watson: Yes, jolly good. Apologies. Yes.
Watson sits down next to Holmes.
Chief: First order of business, the diamond heist in the high street – we were lucky enough to pick up one of the suspects on CCTV –
Holmes stands up with a raised finger.
Holmes: Ah, Moriarty, that fiend, that cad…
Chief: It. Wasn’t. Moriarty. May I remind you Holmes, that Professor Moriarty is dead. You took him out yourself during operation Reichenbach Falls, remember?
Holmes: (sitting down again) Ah yes… of course. Sorry.
Chief: Right, now, we believe the suspect –
Holmes puts his hand up, waving it about.
Chief: Yes?
Holmes stands up again.
Holmes: If I’m not much mistaken, the trail of clues leads me to believe that the suspect is a three foot tall Oriental dwarf-woman with a wispy beard and a bad case of scrofula. An elementary deduction for one of my intellect.
Watson: Amazing, simply amazing, Holmes, but tell me, how did you know?
Holmes: Well, you see, Watson –
Chief: No, actually, the suspect is Carl Bradshaw, a three-time loser with prior for armed robbery and assault. Right, on to more serious matters. I think we all know that there has recently been a spate of muggings on Chalfont Avenue…
Holmes turns quickly to Watson and whispers urgently and very loudly.
Holmes: It was Moriarty, that fiend, that rogue, that bounder…
Chief: Holmes, for Christ’s sake –
The door opens suddenly and Jesus ducks his head in and looks startled, trying to catch his breath. He glances around.
Jesus: Sorry, wrong room.
Jesus leaves.
Chief: Where was I? Oh yes – any ideas how we catch the perpetrator?
Officer 1: We could send a few officers in undercover
Holmes holds up his hand again.
Chief: Yes, Holmes?
Holmes stands up and begins pacing fervently about the room.
Holmes: I suggest to you that we leave five orange pips in a muslin envelope in front of the old cathedral – the culprit, who is in the habit of being inquisitive, will be distracted by this simple device-
Chief: (cuts him off) That’s enough Holmes. Everybody move out.
The officers get up to leave and file towards the exit – the Chief stops Holmes and Watson.
Chief: Hold on you two – I want a word. You’ve been on this squad for 18 months and you've managed to catch a total of two perps. However…in that time, you've managed to spend four times as much as any other officer on things like trains fares to Lithuania –
Holmes: (interrupting, wistfully)
– ah, the Red Cap Banana affair –
Chief: – disguise kits –
Holmes: – mmm, fighting the Terrifying Wombat of Alabaster Terror –
Chief: – and paying off a large collection of very young male informants.
Holmes: Must keep them off the streets, Inspector. And they do so love anal. (pause as he smiles for a split second before barking) -ISIS! Analysis! They love a good hard round of analysis. Ahem.
The Chief turns his attention to Watson.
Chief: And you, Watson. What exactly is your role in all of this?
Watson: Er, me sir? I carry his coke, sir and damn proud of it I am. I remember–
Chief: What did you say???
Holmes gives Watson a withering stare.
Watson: Er, ahem, coat, sir, I carry his coat.
Chief: Well, I will not tolerate such a poor rate of return from my officers. You’re sacked.
Holmes and Watson (together): What?!?
Chief: That’s it, collect your things and get out.
Holmes and Watson shuffle out the door. The Chief turns to the camera and grins.
Chief: My fiendish plan worked. With those two out the way, I’m free to wreak havoc on London town at last, for I am none other than…
The Chief ducks down, throws off his police officer’s disguise to reveal himself as…
Chief: Professor Moriarty, mwah hah hah hah hah!
SINISTER MUSIC plays over.
Holmes and Watson dash back through the door. The rim of Watson 's hat looks as though it is covered in flour.
Holmes: I knew it was you all along, Moriarty! You’re under arrest.
A group of Offices troop into the room and slap the cuffs on.
Chief/Moriarty: But how? How did you know?
Holmes: Simple enough: I was standing outside doing a quick line off of Watson's bowler when I heard that disturbing music playing. I put two and two together and came up with – Moriarty.
As Chief/Moriarty is lead away, he turns, looks at Holmes and Watson and shakes his cuffed fists.
Chief/Moriarty: And I’d have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling kids.
At that moment, a number of young effeminate boys run past Moriarty and surround Holmes, who places his arms around them lovingly.
Holmes: As I've always said, Moriarty: elementary.
Fade out
© NIck and Keith 2006
INT. POLICE STATION – BRIEFING ROOM
A Police Chief enters. Three policemen are present. The Chief walks to the front of the room.
Chief: Right…hang on…where’s…
The door suddenly opens and Sherlock Holmes bursts in, sliding to a sudden halt.
Chief: Where the hell have you been, Holmes?
Holmes: A thousand pardons, Inspector, been up all night. Snorting gak.
Chief: Sit down, Holmes. Now, as I was saying…hang on, where’s Watson…has anyone seen Watson?
The officers look around and shake their heads. At that moment the door opens and Watson bumbles in.
Chief: Watson!
Watson: Eh? What’s on the what now, sir?
Chief: Shut up and sit down!
Watson: Yes, jolly good. Apologies. Yes.
Watson sits down next to Holmes.
Chief: First order of business, the diamond heist in the high street – we were lucky enough to pick up one of the suspects on CCTV –
Holmes stands up with a raised finger.
Holmes: Ah, Moriarty, that fiend, that cad…
Chief: It. Wasn’t. Moriarty. May I remind you Holmes, that Professor Moriarty is dead. You took him out yourself during operation Reichenbach Falls, remember?
Holmes: (sitting down again) Ah yes… of course. Sorry.
Chief: Right, now, we believe the suspect –
Holmes puts his hand up, waving it about.
Chief: Yes?
Holmes stands up again.
Holmes: If I’m not much mistaken, the trail of clues leads me to believe that the suspect is a three foot tall Oriental dwarf-woman with a wispy beard and a bad case of scrofula. An elementary deduction for one of my intellect.
Watson: Amazing, simply amazing, Holmes, but tell me, how did you know?
Holmes: Well, you see, Watson –
Chief: No, actually, the suspect is Carl Bradshaw, a three-time loser with prior for armed robbery and assault. Right, on to more serious matters. I think we all know that there has recently been a spate of muggings on Chalfont Avenue…
Holmes turns quickly to Watson and whispers urgently and very loudly.
Holmes: It was Moriarty, that fiend, that rogue, that bounder…
Chief: Holmes, for Christ’s sake –
The door opens suddenly and Jesus ducks his head in and looks startled, trying to catch his breath. He glances around.
Jesus: Sorry, wrong room.
Jesus leaves.
Chief: Where was I? Oh yes – any ideas how we catch the perpetrator?
Officer 1: We could send a few officers in undercover
Holmes holds up his hand again.
Chief: Yes, Holmes?
Holmes stands up and begins pacing fervently about the room.
Holmes: I suggest to you that we leave five orange pips in a muslin envelope in front of the old cathedral – the culprit, who is in the habit of being inquisitive, will be distracted by this simple device-
Chief: (cuts him off) That’s enough Holmes. Everybody move out.
The officers get up to leave and file towards the exit – the Chief stops Holmes and Watson.
Chief: Hold on you two – I want a word. You’ve been on this squad for 18 months and you've managed to catch a total of two perps. However…in that time, you've managed to spend four times as much as any other officer on things like trains fares to Lithuania –
Holmes: (interrupting, wistfully)
– ah, the Red Cap Banana affair –
Chief: – disguise kits –
Holmes: – mmm, fighting the Terrifying Wombat of Alabaster Terror –
Chief: – and paying off a large collection of very young male informants.
Holmes: Must keep them off the streets, Inspector. And they do so love anal. (pause as he smiles for a split second before barking) -ISIS! Analysis! They love a good hard round of analysis. Ahem.
The Chief turns his attention to Watson.
Chief: And you, Watson. What exactly is your role in all of this?
Watson: Er, me sir? I carry his coke, sir and damn proud of it I am. I remember–
Chief: What did you say???
Holmes gives Watson a withering stare.
Watson: Er, ahem, coat, sir, I carry his coat.
Chief: Well, I will not tolerate such a poor rate of return from my officers. You’re sacked.
Holmes and Watson (together): What?!?
Chief: That’s it, collect your things and get out.
Holmes and Watson shuffle out the door. The Chief turns to the camera and grins.
Chief: My fiendish plan worked. With those two out the way, I’m free to wreak havoc on London town at last, for I am none other than…
The Chief ducks down, throws off his police officer’s disguise to reveal himself as…
Chief: Professor Moriarty, mwah hah hah hah hah!
SINISTER MUSIC plays over.
Holmes and Watson dash back through the door. The rim of Watson 's hat looks as though it is covered in flour.
Holmes: I knew it was you all along, Moriarty! You’re under arrest.
A group of Offices troop into the room and slap the cuffs on.
Chief/Moriarty: But how? How did you know?
Holmes: Simple enough: I was standing outside doing a quick line off of Watson's bowler when I heard that disturbing music playing. I put two and two together and came up with – Moriarty.
As Chief/Moriarty is lead away, he turns, looks at Holmes and Watson and shakes his cuffed fists.
Chief/Moriarty: And I’d have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling kids.
At that moment, a number of young effeminate boys run past Moriarty and surround Holmes, who places his arms around them lovingly.
Holmes: As I've always said, Moriarty: elementary.
Fade out
© NIck and Keith 2006
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