Sketch 6: Home skool rools

Home School PTA

INT. LIVING ROOM

Mrs Johnson and little Johnny are seated in two wooden chairs in front of a large desk in what is otherwise a perfectly normal looking living room.

In the background of the shot is a large banner hanging across the room, which reads "Welcome to the Home Schooling Parent Teacher Night".

Mr Johnson enters, wearing a long professor’s gown and mortarboard. He picks up a folder of papers from the desk and opens it, reading it as he sits down behind the desk.

Mr Johnson: Ah, Mrs – (consults file folder) – Mrs Johnson, so glad you could join us this evening to speak about the progress of your little – (consults file folder) – Johnny.

Mrs Johnson: But… but I live here. With you, John.

Mr Johnson: That’s Professor Johnson, if you please Mrs – (consults file folder) – Mrs Johnson. And while you and I both know that every child is important, it’s vital that parents such as ourselves attend meetings such as these to discuss the educational career of little men like our – (consults file again) – Johnny here. Having said that, Mrs – (consults file folder) – Mrs Johnson, I feel it is imperative that I express some concern over little Sean’s –

Mrs Johnson: – John’s.

Mr Johnson: – John’s educational… failures shall we say.

Mrs Johnson: Failures? What failures? I mean, some areas are a bit stronger than others, but he’s done well in most of his studies, John.

Mr Johnson: Professor Johnson, if you please Mrs – (consults file folder) – Mrs Johnson and I’m afraid I must disagree. Your little boy –

Mrs Johnson: He’s your son as well, John.

Mr Johnson: – your little boy has demonstrated characteristics that suggest a future plagued by indecision and limited educational potential. He’s been tardy on a regular basis –

Mrs Johnson: – that’s because you don’t roll out of bed until 11.30 –

Mr Johnson: – and absent for a full week on one notable occasion –

Mrs Johnson: He was in hospital having his tonsils out. You took him there, you tit!

Mr Johnson: – and we’ve also found that he’s a bit of a loner. He just doesn’t get on with the other children at Johnson Elementary.

Mrs Johnson: But he’s an only child.

Mr Johnson: That’s as may be. But he’s shown a distinct lack of interest in a variety of subjects. Now, while we at Johnson Elementary have made every effort to allow for these, shall we say, idiosyncrasies, we simply cannot accept full responsibility when we are fully aware that some of the problems fall squarely on the shoulders of his home environment.

Mrs Johnson: But we’re home schooling him, John

Mr Johnson: I’m afraid I’ve heard all the excuses I’m prepared to hear, Mrs – (consults file folder) – Mrs Johnson. How can you explain his weakness in physics, chemistry and, by far his worst subject, maths?

Mrs Johnson: Ahh, you’ll need to talk to his father about that one. He handles the sciences.

Mrs and Mr Johnson stand up. Mr Johnson removes the gown and mortarboard and hands them to Mrs Johnson, who puts them on as the two switch places. Mrs Johnson sits behind the desk and consults the file folder.

Mrs Johnson: Now Mr – (consults file folder) – Mr Johnson, having looked at your performance with regards to young – (consults file folder) – Johnny here, and based on previous complaints from other teachers, I’m afraid we have no other choice but to let you go. You’re sacked.

Mr Johnson appears shocked. Johnny raises his hands in small fists of triumph.

Fade out

© Nick and Keith 2006.