Sketch 3: Send out the Clowns

Glengarry Glen Clowns

INT. CALL CENTRE-TYPE OFFICE

Clown 1 walks in and hangs up his mac. There are three clowns sitting at various desks and there is a blackboard at the front of the room. Clown 1 nods acknowledgement at other clowns and gets a cup of coffee from a side table.

Clown 1: Don't know why they couldn't have had this meeting earlier. I have places to go, y'know. Clowning to do.

Clown 2: We all got clowning to do.

Clown 1: Yeah, but I got REAL clowning to do, you know what I mean? Funny stuff. Places to be. People to get laughing.

At that moment, the door opens again and an impressive looking Clown Star, wearing a very expensive suit, with large red shoes and otherwise typical clown make-up steps up to the front of the room and stands in front of the blackboard.

Clown Star: Right, are you all done clowning around? We need to talk about something important. Everyone here?

Clown 1: All but one.

Clown Star: Well, I'm starting. Screw that clown. (Takes a large horn out of his pocket and honks it loudly at Clown 1) Put that coffee down. Coffee's for clowners only. You think I'm messing with you? I am not messing with you. I'm here from the big top. Barnum and Bailey, my friend. And I'm here on a mission of clowning mercy. You call yourselves clowns, you sons of bearded bitches?

Clown 3 half stands up, as if to leave.

Clown 3: Gimme a break. I don't have time for this crap.

Clown Star: You got all the time in the world, my friend, cause the good news is – you're sacked. The big cannon has been lit and you're being shot the fuck outta here without a net in sight. The bad news is: you all got one week to get your big shoes back on, starting with tonight. Have I got your attention? Good. We're throwing a new pie into the mix, my friends, and adding a little something to this month's clowning quota. As usual, first prize is a very, very small bicycle. Second prize is a set of juggling knives with those special bendy bits that let you scare little kids without any fear of killing 'em unintentionally. Third prize is: you're fired.

Get the picture? You laughing now? You've got gags. Barnum and Bailey paid good money for good gags.

Clown 1: (quietly, almost to himself) The gags are weak.

Clown Star: The gags are weak? You're weak. I've been in this business 15 years –

Clown 4: (interrupting angrily) Who are you? What's your name?

Clown Star: Who am I? Who am I? Fuck you! That's who I am –

Clown 4: (aside) Strange name. You don’t look Chinese…

Clown Star: (ignoring Clown 4) Just remember this: you drove a big old clunky Cadillac to get here tonight, with all that unfunny room inside. I drove an eighty thousand dollar customised Extra Tiny Mini Cooper with barely enough room inside to swing my dick.

Clown Star spins around to a blackboard and writes down three letters- ABC.

Clown Star: 'A,' 'B,' 'C.' – 'A,' always, 'B,' be, 'C,' clowning, always be clowning. Always be clowning. Remember that.

Clown 3: If you're so funny, how come you're here wasting your time with such a bunch of clowns?

Clown Star walks over to Clown 3 and gets right up in his face. He gestures at a flower on his lapel.

Clown Star: You see this flower? You see this fucking flower?

Clown 3 nods.

Clown Star:That flower cost more than your trailer, my friend. (Sprays Clown 3 in the face with the flower) You think this is abuse? You can't take this, how can you take the abuse you get under the big top? You don't like it? Leave.

Clown Star glares for a moment, turns and walks out.

Clown 1: (stands up and puts on his coat) I don't know about you clowns, but I'm not gonna take this shit. This place is a fucking circus.

Clown 1 exits

Fade out

© Nick and Keith 2006.