Sketch 5: Jesus Saves
Keeping the faith
INT. PLAYERS’ TUNNEL AT A FOOTBALL GROUND
Football pundit, Ray Speedy is on camera ready to get his post-match interview.
Ray: Well, what a great game. And here we are with Chelsea’s international goalkeeper, the Bethlehem Blockade, Jesus Christ. (Turns to face Jesus) Jesus, that was a terrific performance.
A huge microphone is shoved into the face of the Messiah. He is wearing the stereotypical robes as well as shiny goalkeeper's gloves.
Jesus: Thanks, Ray, but no taking my name in vain, alright?
Both Ray and Jesus pause in mock-seriousness before both break out laughing. Ray jokingly nudges Jesus in the ribs, and Jesus winces with agony. Ray looks startled, but then Jesus smiles and points at Ray in a cheesy, "gotcha" style.
Ray: (laughing uncomfortably) Well, it’s only your third game but your boys managed a European tie – how d’you think the team played?
Jesus: We were being totally crucified in the first half, but in the second, we just seemed to get a whole new lease of life. And I know how that feels.
Ray: So, with this draw, the second leg is very much in the lap of the Gods… er, God… er… your dad… er… Anyway, how about your own personal performance, Jesus?
Jesus: Well, I saved everything. That’s my job.
Ray: That’s very true, but you did have some trouble with that cross from the Italian International, Pilate.
Jesus: Yeah, I thought they were going to nail us there. The Romans are always gonna give you problems. Thankfully, Judas backed me up on that one.
Ray: Rumour has it he's chasing a transfer.
Jesus: Oh, I really doubt that – there are always rumours.
Ray: And what about the press reports about a late-night liaison between the two of you in the garden of Gethsemene?
Jesus: Totally unfounded. You know how it is with the press Ray. I have every faith in Judas and I can tell you this: I’ll be dead before he goes to the other side.
Ray: Fair enough. But still, you looked to be in a bit of trouble at half time, did you pick up an injury?
Jesus: Well, I’ve had a couple of niggling palm injuries in my time, as you know, but that’s the life of a goalkeeper, really. And I’ve been out for 40 days and 40 nights, so I wasn’t 100% fully match fit, but I’ll definitely be available for the second leg.
Ray: So, you’re off for few jars with the lads now?
Jesus: Yeah, the lads always invite along – always time for some bread and fish with the boys, you know. And I do this killer trick with wine and water.
More laughter from Ray. Jesus smiles at the camer and mouths "Hi Mom" with a wink before wondering off.
Ray: (to camera) Jesus Christ, goalkeeper extraordinaire, son of God and a very shrewd signing indeed. Back to you in the studio, Des.
Fade out.
© Nick and Keith 2006.
INT. PLAYERS’ TUNNEL AT A FOOTBALL GROUND
Football pundit, Ray Speedy is on camera ready to get his post-match interview.
Ray: Well, what a great game. And here we are with Chelsea’s international goalkeeper, the Bethlehem Blockade, Jesus Christ. (Turns to face Jesus) Jesus, that was a terrific performance.
A huge microphone is shoved into the face of the Messiah. He is wearing the stereotypical robes as well as shiny goalkeeper's gloves.
Jesus: Thanks, Ray, but no taking my name in vain, alright?
Both Ray and Jesus pause in mock-seriousness before both break out laughing. Ray jokingly nudges Jesus in the ribs, and Jesus winces with agony. Ray looks startled, but then Jesus smiles and points at Ray in a cheesy, "gotcha" style.
Ray: (laughing uncomfortably) Well, it’s only your third game but your boys managed a European tie – how d’you think the team played?
Jesus: We were being totally crucified in the first half, but in the second, we just seemed to get a whole new lease of life. And I know how that feels.
Ray: So, with this draw, the second leg is very much in the lap of the Gods… er, God… er… your dad… er… Anyway, how about your own personal performance, Jesus?
Jesus: Well, I saved everything. That’s my job.
Ray: That’s very true, but you did have some trouble with that cross from the Italian International, Pilate.
Jesus: Yeah, I thought they were going to nail us there. The Romans are always gonna give you problems. Thankfully, Judas backed me up on that one.
Ray: Rumour has it he's chasing a transfer.
Jesus: Oh, I really doubt that – there are always rumours.
Ray: And what about the press reports about a late-night liaison between the two of you in the garden of Gethsemene?
Jesus: Totally unfounded. You know how it is with the press Ray. I have every faith in Judas and I can tell you this: I’ll be dead before he goes to the other side.
Ray: Fair enough. But still, you looked to be in a bit of trouble at half time, did you pick up an injury?
Jesus: Well, I’ve had a couple of niggling palm injuries in my time, as you know, but that’s the life of a goalkeeper, really. And I’ve been out for 40 days and 40 nights, so I wasn’t 100% fully match fit, but I’ll definitely be available for the second leg.
Ray: So, you’re off for few jars with the lads now?
Jesus: Yeah, the lads always invite along – always time for some bread and fish with the boys, you know. And I do this killer trick with wine and water.
More laughter from Ray. Jesus smiles at the camer and mouths "Hi Mom" with a wink before wondering off.
Ray: (to camera) Jesus Christ, goalkeeper extraordinaire, son of God and a very shrewd signing indeed. Back to you in the studio, Des.
Fade out.
© Nick and Keith 2006.
posted by zesty pete @ 1:14 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home