Sketch 4: The Car Salesman Cometh
Baby, you can drive my car for just £1,000 down and £5,000 in installments
EXT. A QUIET STREET
A driver pulls up outside a row of shops. A car pulls up just in front of him and parks up. The driver begins to consult a map. An oily-looking, overweight salesman shimmies up to the passenger side and jumps in.
Salesman: Electric windows? Steering wheel? Gear thing? Lovely motor.
Driver: Sorry?
Salesman: Don’t be sorry, nothing to be sorry about – this deal is completely unapologetic. She's a little beauty, this one, and I can let you have it today for only eight-nine-seven-five sir. Eight, nine and seventy five and she’s yours.
Driver: Are you talking to me?
Salesman: I am talking to you and only you, sir – but there are other interested parties so I would have to advise you not to delay, sir.
Driver: I’m sorry but you must be mistaken. This is my car.
Salesman: Yes sir, exactly – this is YOUR car. It has YOU written all over it. It just has that feeling, doesn’t it? That sense that it really is YOUR car. And it could be. Just under nine thousand and you could drive away with this little baby today.
Driver: Who are you? What are you talking about and why are you in my car?
Salesman: Exactly – your car indeed. Shall we discuss financing?
Driver: I don’t think you understand – this is MY car. I OWN it –
Salesman: Give it time, give it time and it will be. Feel that leather interior, isn’t it lovely, smooth like a virgin’s… well, you know.
Driver: Look, I’m fully prepared to call the police –
Salesman: Oh yes, of course – ‘Police help! I’m being robbed by this mad salesman’. Very well, sir, I can see that you’re a man who knows what he wants, so here’s what I’ll do. I’ll let you have this little beauty for just – wait for it – eight thousand. What do you say to that?
Driver: What are you…? What is going on here…? I just… I mean the bloody thing’s only worth four and half thousand…
Salesman: Don’t believe everything you read sir, this is a very fine vehicle. Dashboard, keys, little pine tree air-freshener. All the extras. Look, I don’t normally do this, but I like the cut of your jib, so if you really do want this gorgeous motor – it’s yours for a cool six and a half. Now what do you say?
Driver: (mulls it over, then turns to face the Salesman suddenly, with his hand outstretched) Done.
The Salesman reaches over and takes the keys out of the ignition.
Salesman: Now, how about this lovely, exclusive … er… car starter-upper, sir? Eh? Just the thing for the busy executive. I can let you have it for £75.
Fade out
© Nick and Keith 2006.
EXT. A QUIET STREET
A driver pulls up outside a row of shops. A car pulls up just in front of him and parks up. The driver begins to consult a map. An oily-looking, overweight salesman shimmies up to the passenger side and jumps in.
Salesman: Electric windows? Steering wheel? Gear thing? Lovely motor.
Driver: Sorry?
Salesman: Don’t be sorry, nothing to be sorry about – this deal is completely unapologetic. She's a little beauty, this one, and I can let you have it today for only eight-nine-seven-five sir. Eight, nine and seventy five and she’s yours.
Driver: Are you talking to me?
Salesman: I am talking to you and only you, sir – but there are other interested parties so I would have to advise you not to delay, sir.
Driver: I’m sorry but you must be mistaken. This is my car.
Salesman: Yes sir, exactly – this is YOUR car. It has YOU written all over it. It just has that feeling, doesn’t it? That sense that it really is YOUR car. And it could be. Just under nine thousand and you could drive away with this little baby today.
Driver: Who are you? What are you talking about and why are you in my car?
Salesman: Exactly – your car indeed. Shall we discuss financing?
Driver: I don’t think you understand – this is MY car. I OWN it –
Salesman: Give it time, give it time and it will be. Feel that leather interior, isn’t it lovely, smooth like a virgin’s… well, you know.
Driver: Look, I’m fully prepared to call the police –
Salesman: Oh yes, of course – ‘Police help! I’m being robbed by this mad salesman’. Very well, sir, I can see that you’re a man who knows what he wants, so here’s what I’ll do. I’ll let you have this little beauty for just – wait for it – eight thousand. What do you say to that?
Driver: What are you…? What is going on here…? I just… I mean the bloody thing’s only worth four and half thousand…
Salesman: Don’t believe everything you read sir, this is a very fine vehicle. Dashboard, keys, little pine tree air-freshener. All the extras. Look, I don’t normally do this, but I like the cut of your jib, so if you really do want this gorgeous motor – it’s yours for a cool six and a half. Now what do you say?
Driver: (mulls it over, then turns to face the Salesman suddenly, with his hand outstretched) Done.
The Salesman reaches over and takes the keys out of the ignition.
Salesman: Now, how about this lovely, exclusive … er… car starter-upper, sir? Eh? Just the thing for the busy executive. I can let you have it for £75.
Fade out
© Nick and Keith 2006.
posted by zesty pete @ 5:37 PM
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