Sketch 10: The unemployed elephant in the room

Hazy days of summer and elephantitis

INT. JOB CENTRE

The room is full of a series of desks where people are being interviewed. The camera stops on a Job Centre Worker who sits at desk three. She writes intently. She doesn't notice the Elephant Man drag himself into the shot and sit down. He wears a peaked cap and potato sack covers his bulbous deformed head. She continues to write, completely ignoring him.

Elephant Man: Ahem…

Job Centre Worker continues to write and doesn’t look up.

Job Centre Worker: Yes, have you filled out the form?

Elephant Man pulls out a crumpled piece of paper, sliding it across to the Job Centre Worker. She takes the paper while still writing. Elephant Man shifts in his seat.

The Job Centre Worker puts down her pencil and turns her attention to the Elephant Man’s form without looking up.

Job Centre Worker: Right, Mister… Mister Man, I just have a few questions for you and then we can carry on. (Looks up at Elephant Man for the first time and does not react.) First, are you currently earning any income?

Elephant Man shifts uncomfortably in his chair.

Elephant Man (shouts): I am not an animal!

Job Centre Worker: Er, yes, I understand that Mr Man and may I say, I never suggested otherwise, but I just need to find out a few things to sort out your application. Now, are you currently employed?

Elephant Man (shouts): I am not an animal! I am a human being!

Job Centre Worker:... Right, that'll be a no, then. (Makes a note) Um, home address?

Elephant Man (shouts): I am not an animal!

Job Centre Worker: ...Ok, no fixed address. (Pauses, looking thoughtful.) Excuse me for saying so, but you look familiar. Did we ever, you know... date?

Elephant Man shifts uncomfortably in his chair.

Elephant Man (shouts): I am not an animal!

Job Centre Worker look nonplussed.

Job Centre Worker: Seriously, something about you... that’s it: Ibiza, two years ago. You were wearing those little briefs and going crazy on the dancefloor. (Bites her lower lip, remembering the moment, nodding her head dreamily.).

Elephant Man (quietly): I am not an animal?

Job Centre Worker: That’s not what you said back then. You dog you. (Shakes her head as though snapping out of a dream). Anyway, sorry, good to see you again, but let’s get back to this shall we. What kind of employment were you hoping to find?

Elephant Man (thinks for a minute before answering): Something in entertainment I think.

Fade out

© NIck and Keith 2006

Sketch 9: Holmes and Away

Yo Holmes

INT. POLICE STATION – BRIEFING ROOM

A Police Chief enters. Three policemen are present. The Chief walks to the front of the room.

Chief: Right…hang on…where’s…

The door suddenly opens and Sherlock Holmes bursts in, sliding to a sudden halt.

Chief: Where the hell have you been, Holmes?

Holmes: A thousand pardons, Inspector, been up all night. Snorting gak.

Chief: Sit down, Holmes. Now, as I was saying…hang on, where’s Watson…has anyone seen Watson?

The officers look around and shake their heads. At that moment the door opens and Watson bumbles in.

Chief: Watson!

Watson: Eh? What’s on the what now, sir?

Chief: Shut up and sit down!

Watson: Yes, jolly good. Apologies. Yes.

Watson sits down next to Holmes.

Chief: First order of business, the diamond heist in the high street – we were lucky enough to pick up one of the suspects on CCTV –

Holmes stands up with a raised finger.

Holmes: Ah, Moriarty, that fiend, that cad…

Chief: It. Wasn’t. Moriarty. May I remind you Holmes, that Professor Moriarty is dead. You took him out yourself during operation Reichenbach Falls, remember?

Holmes: (sitting down again) Ah yes… of course. Sorry.

Chief: Right, now, we believe the suspect –

Holmes puts his hand up, waving it about.

Chief: Yes?

Holmes stands up again.

Holmes: If I’m not much mistaken, the trail of clues leads me to believe that the suspect is a three foot tall Oriental dwarf-woman with a wispy beard and a bad case of scrofula. An elementary deduction for one of my intellect.

Watson: Amazing, simply amazing, Holmes, but tell me, how did you know?

Holmes: Well, you see, Watson –

Chief: No, actually, the suspect is Carl Bradshaw, a three-time loser with prior for armed robbery and assault. Right, on to more serious matters. I think we all know that there has recently been a spate of muggings on Chalfont Avenue…

Holmes turns quickly to Watson and whispers urgently and very loudly.

Holmes: It was Moriarty, that fiend, that rogue, that bounder…

Chief: Holmes, for Christ’s sake –

The door opens suddenly and Jesus ducks his head in and looks startled, trying to catch his breath. He glances around.

Jesus: Sorry, wrong room.

Jesus leaves.

Chief: Where was I? Oh yes – any ideas how we catch the perpetrator?

Officer 1: We could send a few officers in undercover

Holmes holds up his hand again.

Chief: Yes, Holmes?

Holmes stands up and begins pacing fervently about the room.

Holmes: I suggest to you that we leave five orange pips in a muslin envelope in front of the old cathedral – the culprit, who is in the habit of being inquisitive, will be distracted by this simple device-

Chief: (cuts him off) That’s enough Holmes. Everybody move out.

The officers get up to leave and file towards the exit – the Chief stops Holmes and Watson.

Chief: Hold on you two – I want a word. You’ve been on this squad for 18 months and you've managed to catch a total of two perps. However…in that time, you've managed to spend four times as much as any other officer on things like trains fares to Lithuania –

Holmes: (interrupting, wistfully)
– ah, the Red Cap Banana affair –

Chief: – disguise kits –

Holmes: – mmm, fighting the Terrifying Wombat of Alabaster Terror –

Chief: – and paying off a large collection of very young male informants.

Holmes: Must keep them off the streets, Inspector. And they do so love anal. (pause as he smiles for a split second before barking) -ISIS! Analysis! They love a good hard round of analysis. Ahem.

The Chief turns his attention to Watson.

Chief: And you, Watson. What exactly is your role in all of this?

Watson: Er, me sir? I carry his coke, sir and damn proud of it I am. I remember–

Chief: What did you say???

Holmes gives Watson a withering stare.

Watson: Er, ahem, coat, sir, I carry his coat.

Chief: Well, I will not tolerate such a poor rate of return from my officers. You’re sacked.

Holmes and Watson (together): What?!?

Chief: That’s it, collect your things and get out.

Holmes and Watson shuffle out the door. The Chief turns to the camera and grins.

Chief: My fiendish plan worked. With those two out the way, I’m free to wreak havoc on London town at last, for I am none other than…

The Chief ducks down, throws off his police officer’s disguise to reveal himself as…

Chief: Professor Moriarty, mwah hah hah hah hah!

SINISTER MUSIC plays over.

Holmes and Watson dash back through the door. The rim of Watson 's hat looks as though it is covered in flour.

Holmes: I knew it was you all along, Moriarty! You’re under arrest.

A group of Offices troop into the room and slap the cuffs on.

Chief/Moriarty: But how? How did you know?

Holmes: Simple enough: I was standing outside doing a quick line off of Watson's bowler when I heard that disturbing music playing. I put two and two together and came up with – Moriarty.

As Chief/Moriarty is lead away, he turns, looks at Holmes and Watson and shakes his cuffed fists.

Chief/Moriarty: And I’d have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling kids.

At that moment, a number of young effeminate boys run past Moriarty and surround Holmes, who places his arms around them lovingly.

Holmes: As I've always said, Moriarty: elementary.

Fade out

© NIck and Keith 2006

Sketch 8: The Time Traveller's Wife's Weird Cousin

Hot science

INT LABORATORY

Two scientists, Max Von Gavel and Gav Von Maxel are looking at a large box, big enough to fit two people, covered in light bulbs with wires protruding from the back, there is a small computer panel on the front of the box and the machine buzzes with 60s' thermin like sounds of science.

Gav: Dr Max, I do believe that we have discovered time-travel.

Max: Yes, Dr Gav. Time travel is no longer an impossibility.

Gav: No, Max. It's a possibility. No, I'd go further. It's a definite... definitely.

Max: Hmm, but what if this invention fell into the right hands of the wrong hands. In the right hands of the wrong hands, this machine could change the course of history.

Gav: Ah ha. I've thought of that. I will go back in time and make sure the Industrial Revolution never happens, that way we will ensure time travel never happens. And that way, our invention will not fall in the left hands of the wrong hands.

Max: But what if the wrong hands of the future send someone into the past, and he marries his own mother, becomes his own father, and recreates the industrial revolution at another time and then goes into the future, we could be talking about changing the course of history... a bit.

Gav: I've thought of that too. If that happens I'll send back the son of the wrong hands in the machine to fight his father in the past and thus there will be no industrial revolution and therefore QED no wrong hands.

Max: I have another idea.

Max reaches down and pulls out the plug. The lights go out and the machine whirrs down to silence.

Max: Now future generations will be safe from time-travel forever.

Gav: Mmmm, science. It gets me so hot.

Gav casts a lascivious glance at Max and slowly unbuttons his coat. Max looks deeply uncomfortable.

Fade out

© NIck and Keith 2006